I am a new hobbiest. Just started last fall. I find the hobby has somehow changed me. First off, I think I'm addicted. I have never been so liberated with sex before. This has brought a lot of excitement into my life. But on the down side, I feel I have to do it once a week, or I feel really depressed. I need the comfort of a sexy woman who will please me. I have been married almost 10 years and have a young child. There is no sex in the house for a long time, so this hobby has fulfilled my needs. However, I am financially incapable of sustaining this hobby. I have to steal money from the company to pay for the sessions. In essence, I am betraying my employer, who has been kind to me all these years. I betrayed my wife, who takes care of my child. I betrayed my daughter, whose father is risking a lot just to be personally fulfilled. I feel selfish, guilty, and almost insane. It's been going on for several months now, and I sometimes feel like just escaping. I don't know what to do. I am gradually turning into a monster.... I am constantly thinking about my next session, or who my next encounter will be with. I lose sleep at night, and much of the day is blurry. There are so many things running through my mind..... my wife finding out, my boss firing me, STDs, and everything. Please some serious advice... I need it...
You seriously need to grab ahold of yourself and get your shit together. Don't allow yourself to be mentally weak. Lay off the ho's for a while, and start jerking off to porn or something.
Ask yourself is it worth losing everything? If not stop. You can seek help, and that is ok it is an addiction. If your job or your wife finds out you WILL lose everything. What is will do to your wife will be far more devastating that any pain you will feel if your secret is found out. Do you love or care for her? If you do then that should be enough to stop you. The scary thing is many men who lose everything if they could go back and do it all over again would do it again if they think they wouldnt get caught. Are you better than this? If you are get help and never do it again. Sometimes it takes something big like getting caught,getting disease, going broke ect before people can make the turn. Are you wise or a fool. If you are wise you will make the turn and you will make the turn now. There will be no going back and living over. Good luck to you. Pray and dont be afraid to seek help. Guilt drives addictions and telling someone can help break the cycle.
As a woman I have seen men lose everything I have also seen that men who do this often lack intimacy skills,have a deep guilt than runs back to childhood, have deep insecurites, do not love themselves, and have no self respect. I honestly wish the best for you. Good to be brave and post that took courage and that is a good step.
There is hope for you and you have a conscience. These guys are too far gone for help. It is very sad really. Be better than them, so be better than this. I respect you for wanting to change.
...It's called enjoying life, my son. In due time you, me, and everyone on this planet will be dead and forgotten anyway, so seize the day! Live!
As always, I must add the caveat that I am, of course, an arch super villain whose primary purpose in life is to corrupt the good, so do bear that in mind before taking my advice.
It sounds like he is following in the proper footsteps for a successful time in this hobby to me. At least it sounds very familiar to my experiences when I started in the hobby. I would bet many others started in a similar fashion, although each hobbyist would have some slight differences. The number of years in a sexless marriage and age and number of children come to mind. I agree some meds like anti depressants would help take some of the edge off of him so he would relax a bit better and enjoy his sessions with providers to the fullest. He needs to keep clear his thinking so he will make the best choices in providers and stay away from the law. Other than that, he sounds fine to me and maybe a part-time job would help to fund his hobby expenses and also provide a new employer to gain access to more capital. As always, other hobbyists will have more to add on the subject.
I hope you just didn't read the whole thing. Even if you're a supervillian, your taking that post this lightly is worrisome.
/Zin
Well, Zin, I'm the odd man out here it seems. I read his whole post and, as I said in a later thread, I didn't believe one word of it.
I still don't.
But if the rest of you do, well...I hope you can help him.
you need to talk to a counselor, and pronto. You may be a candidate for prescription medication. It sounds like you have a lot of issues to be worked out, and many of them are not related to sex or the hobby . However, it should be obvious to you by now that hobbying WILL NOT SOLVE THEM...it only is perpetuating the cycle. Be an adult, and break the cycle. It will be hard at first, but if you can hold off for a bit and talk to people (starting with a professional counselor), you will be taking a step in the right direction.
Satan and I have a contract ready for this one. Don't interfere.
because if this thread is for real, this guy seriously needs to get a grip.
You, on the other hand, are beyond redemtion...just the way we like you. 
If you had a drug addiction would you ask advice from fellow junkies and their dealers? Even I, with my pinhead, am not that silly.
This just another drama post.
It's easier to KICK
My first rule of working with "help" calls was to treat everyone as if they are really going to jump, so I may be gullible.
If it was just for drama, though, I wouldn't understand why it would be worth the effort to have typed it.
"If it was just for drama, though, I wouldn't understand why it would be worth the effort to have typed it."
Because you are good-hearted by nature, you will have difficultly comprehending those who, shall we say, take special joy out of taking advantage of other people's altruistic tendencies.
-- Modified on 1/25/2005 4:12:16 PM
Somehow this reminds me of the conversation Luke and Annikin Skywalker had when Luke turned himself in to Annikin on Endor, and he said that he knew that he still had good in him.
I will not fight you, father.
...we've already established that your perception of the souls of your fellow man is not quite up to snuff, my son -- apparently you are not a Jedi yet.
But, then again, maybe it is *I* who doesn't understand. Maybe the very idea of the poster being that craven -- in front of women no less -- is so incomprehensible that I assumed it must a joke... today's episode of "Bad Cinema".
I'm bowing out of this one, MSD. He's all yours.
-- Modified on 1/25/2005 4:30:07 PM
It's not really "craven" for him to open up like that. Opening up in front of women is OK too. Being able to open up when you need help is a good thing, for men as well as women.
OK OK enough already. But it's still true.
Well, that might explain the 84.6% suicide rate amongst my patients.
Guess I'll try Freud instead of Nietzsche for a while and see if I keep more of 'em.
By now the poor guy is probably done with the Hobby and in Patton State Hospital in San Bernardino!
then you clearly do have a problem. Stop seeing providers, see your doctor about whether you need anti-depressant medication, see a counsellor regarding your addiction and depression and try and get your wife to accompany you to relationship counselling.
At this stage, I don't think it's such a great idea to confess all to either your wife or employer. But certainly, you are going to have to do this some time soon. Just wait until you are a feeling a little more stable and able to think clearly and strategically.
No sex in the house for a long time needs to be addressed. Give joint counselling an honest try. Your wife may have turned off her sexuality (assuming she once had it on) with childbirth and the stresses of child rearing. If so, she need to realize what it is doing to your marriage. You are headed for divorce or a long stretch of either hobbying or affairs unless you address it. Give your kid a chance at a homelife and try hard to make it work. If you give it a real try and nothing works, you can decide whether to stay in the marriage for the kid and get what you need on the side, or go ahead with a divorce.
... see a shrink and a marriage counseler in that order.
Otherwise Get a divorce and get the hell out of Dodge.
This is not a phony post. The reason why I am taking the time to post this here is because it's anonymous and people have truly good advices here. I'm sure I'm not alone in this. I find it hard to believe that I'm the only addict who steals money to hobby. I think I do have an issue, as I feel my mental state deteriorating. If my wife were to find out, or if my boss were to find out, I would probably put a bullet in my head, as my life would be completely ruined. I am in my early 30's, and kinda hit the wall in my career... I guess I really dislike my job, which depresses me. I am looking for a new job right now to improve my situation. I think fundamentally I resent my wife for preventing me from being myself. I got married when I was 24, and to see my single friends dating different people right now really makes me envious. I was very sexually active in college, but was only with a limited number of girls. Ironically, I always end up in long-term relationships when my initial intention was not to be so serious. You can believe this post, or you can just laugh at it thinking it's a cruel joke. This is a place for me to vent, and hopefully get some decent advice. I know some of you mentioned stop hobbying and go to counselor. What exactly can a counselor do? I doubt any counselors can help me...
If you are for real; I think if you don't get some help you will most likely take your own life. Get help ASAP
which is what you are asking for, only he/she is professionaly trained to give the proper advice, after letting you and hopefully your wife talk out your problems, needs, frustrations, etc. You won't find much help here from us amatuers, even though we are well intentioned.
Yes this hobby can be addictive, but like all addictions it requires a supportive environment to grow, meaing you have more serious underlying problems and issues to deal with.
Go get help and ask your wife to go with you.
I completely believe that it would help you, but instead of trying to convince you, why don't you find one that gives a free or $25 initial consultation and see for yourself. There are one hell of a lot of trained professionals out there for the field not to have any merit.
...and steal from your employer...
There is more than a good possibility you will be caught and then lose your job,income,get arrrested and possibly be sent to prison.
Also...
The mere mention of suicide is quite troubling.
Don't even go there!...
Life is too prescious and nothing that you have done so far can't be treated and resolved so that you can get on with what's truly important in your life.Your daughter needs a father!
Seek professional help as soon as possible.
This might be a good start in the right direction for you in seeking out some answers to your concerns and questions:
http://www.sexaa.org/
Good luck.
I'm addicted too, but that's beside the point. The reason why I hobby, smoke AND drink is because first and foremost - I love it. In between I LOVE my line of work, and that from what I can tell that is your only real problem.
Find something you like to do for a living, you will be happy in your own skin. Then you will be able to pace yourself at a rate you can afford.
Movie recommendation: "Scarlet Street" starring Edward G. Robinson. Your post reminds me a lot of that film.
for dealing with the mountain of problems that have been created. Please, under no circumstance should you put a bullet through your brain, for when you do that you have removed any possibility to right the wrongs that you have done and you would have taken the easy way out, leaving your wife, parents and sibblings to deal with the pain of your actions. Start by taking one day at a time and remembering that even on the darkest days, the sun will shine again - take the positive road and always feel that the sun will be shining brightly within minutes of your darkest moment.
I cant say that I am in the same situation as you, except the young kids, and 10 years in a sexless marriage.
I will only see someone when I can afford it, quarterly (I know Sad)but thats how it is. I still make sure I am investing in my kids and my future and would never steal from my employer, because If my wife finds out, that is all I will have.
I have alot more to say, but am without time.
Before you accept taking any medications, have a general prac do bloodwork and look at your hormone level. I wouldn't trust the psychiatrist to do this.
You'd be surprised, but what you're describing might be caused by a falling testosterone level.
Yes, this hobby can be addicting and you are certainly describing an addiction. It sounds, however, like you are using it to treat a serious depression. I'd say you don't need less joy in sex, you need more joy with other things too.
However, depending upon how close to the edge you are now, if it will stop you from stealing, you should probably go to the psychiatrist and counselors first and start anti-depressants.
Once you get it under control, you'd probably want to stop here for other advice. In the mean time, may the best luck be with you.
-- Modified on 1/26/2005 11:56:39 AM
The stuff that you are doing is going to destroy your life, if it has not already. Companies have at least an annual accounting of funds and you may have stolen thousands. Good auditors are going to find the discrepancy.
You next visit should be with a state licensed therapist and you need to keep going until you have regained control of your life. I dread when newbies come into the hobby because of what happened to you. Most newbies are ok with the hobby, but some loose control and spiral down to destruction. The hobby can be addictive, you must fight that addiction with with all the strength that you can muster.
Even if a post like this is a fake, it may still sometimes warrant a serious response, because someone else out there probably actually does have the same or a similar problem. One of the things I admire and respect about this forum, compared to most any other, is the willingness to offer advice, share experiences and just generally care about one another.
With that out of the way, let me direct a comment specifically to the orignal poster. This, and any hobby/pasttime for that matter, should be done for your own fulfillment and enjoyment. It would appear from your earlier statements that you are not necessarily doing this strictly for fun but more out of habit, like an addiction or possibly a distraction from other issues in your life. I would concur with others that you have progressed to an unhealthy level of involvement and may do yourself, and family, well to seek professional help; rather than the attention and affection of a paid companion that will only reinforce this destructive pattern of behavior.
encouraging to see
a
people staying on topic
b
taking the post seriously
c
offering experience as well as advice
Shockingly, I have nothing to add.
40W
There is hope, oh Evil One.
Go see your personal doctor first: tell him you're thinking suicide, ask him about AntiDepressants-- the miracle medicine of the 21st Century!
Do it NOW. Don't wait-- get off the 'puter, get on the phone, now.
Then, like the other nice horndogs on this site say, Get your Ass into Therapy.
Sorry dude, but you gott'a rebuild your life. It aint the ho's. It's you.
It is difficult to make a "diagnosis" from what you have posted, and I am not qualified to do so anyway. But I have a few comments, which may be somewhat different from what others have said.
First, I think you have to distinguish between your obsession with the hobby and your theft from your company. The latter is so far from what you should be doing, that it must be dealt with separately. You must stop doing this. This kind of criminal behavior says something very bad about you, and you cannot use the excuse that you are "addicted" to this hobby. If you cannot afford it, then don't do it or buy it. It is a simple rule. And it also may explain why you are not sleeping well at night.
As far as the rest, I don't think that there is anything wrong with enjoying the hobby and wanting--and looking forward to-- many intimate encounters. For myself, I have been married for 40 years and have 4 children and 3 grandchildren, but I have never felt guilty about hobbying. If you can live with that, as I do, then I think that part of your problem is overblown.
But if you cannot live with it, then you will have to give up the hobby. If guilt and depression are overwhelming you, then there is something wrong, and this hobby is not for you.
-- Modified on 1/26/2005 9:31:00 AM
First of all, stop beating yourself up. You are a good man going through a difficult time.
Second, wake up. Regardless of whether hobbying is or is not moral, you have crossed several personal and ethical boundaries in pursuit of that hobby. Conclusion -- you are addicted to sex, and your life is spiraling out of control. There are 12-step fellowships which directly address this problem.
SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous) is one of them. Look on the internet. Go to meetings.
Third, start therapy immediately with a counselor who can explain to you why is qualified to deal with your specific issues. BTW, if part of your story is drugs or alcohold, you need to get honest about that NOW.
Finally, be VERY careful about how you try to make up for your mistakes. Confessions to spouses and employers often backfire. Get professional counseling and figure out the safest way to address the work situation.
PS. Stop stealing. That will send you to jail much faster than paying for sex.
Good luck. You are a child of God.
that take what is ordinarily pleasurable and turn it into a nightmare. Specifically: the inability to stop when you want to, the betrayal of your own core values, the feelings of guilt, remorse, shame, and the increasingly risky behavior with your job.
Now that you're aware of the problem, you have a simple question before you: can you modify your behavior without help? Obviously, it seems the answer to-date is no. The recommendations for counselling are good; an alternative is a sexual anonymous program patterned after AA. The counselor will likely recommend this regardless.
But, you need to look at this carefully, as it appears you are running right for the cliff's edge. If you can't change your behavior on your own, then you need help.
My only problem with SA is that almost all programs have a strong religious element in them. While I can see the value of anchoring to spiritual values in that type of program, it would tend to put me off.
Thanks everyone for taking the time to be sympathetic and express your opinions. I will indeed listen to these words of wisdom and try to improve the situation. Here is what i will do immediately:
1) Make appointment with counselor specializing this this area.
2) Put some money aside to pay back the company. It's less than $4000, so I can blend it back in the same way I took the money out. But this will take a few months.
3) Spend more time with my family, and think of the positive things.
4) I will probably have to quit the hobby for now....sorry to all the providers and fellow hobbiests.
5) Start a new hobby....like skating or surfing. Being active would probably improve my mood.
I don't want to be a monster anymore. I want to sleep through the night. I don't want to lose my family. I don't want to ruin my career. It would suck if I get caught while trying to fix the problem..... Then I wouldn't know what to do. But I'll try...
Thanks a million everyone! OVER AND OUT!
The exercise is a more important aspect of this than you might realize. It is good that you recognized that.
If you find a counselor that you struggle with, remember there are others out there. Sometimes it takes more than one try to find the one that works best for you.
Read things...many have struggled in life with similar issues, and there is always advice out there for those who seek it.
Good luck.